Roberta Ann Radke 1952-2010

I knew at some point I was going to share this, and have been dreading it since I started writing this blog.  My life up until July 26, 2010 had been a good one.  Of course there were the usual ups and downs that happen in everyone's life, but for my first 28 years on this earth, I can say I was no worse for the wear.  Of course I had seen grand parents pass away, and had mini dramas here or there, but ultimately, I had been a very lucky, lucky girl.  With all of the reminders of Mother's Day on TV or the radio lately, she has been on my mind a lot. 

It was a typical Minnesota July day.  Sweltering, humid, and rumor had it some of the first sweet corn of the season was out.  I had worked all day on campus in the office, and as soon as the day was over drove to pick up corn.  It's funny how little things are engraved in one's memory when their world forever changes.  I went home, cleaned the corn on my patio, drank a beer, took a shower, and had just sat down with steaming ears of corn at my table, when I heard my cell phone ring in the distance.  Nothing was going to stop me from enjoying this corn, I buttered it up, put a ton of salt and peppper on it, and let my phone ring.  The corn was as good as my co workers had said, so sweet, each kernel popped in my mouth.  My phone rings again.  I was covered in butter and corn, couldn't stop for the phone, I would check who called when I finished.  The phone rings again.  Now, I'm interested.  3 calls in less than 5 minutes?  I wash my hands, and head over to my cell phone on my coffee table.  3 missed calls: HOME.  Well that's weird, my parents never call me that much, I thought to myself.  I had a voicemail.  I listen to it: Just chaos, Einstein barking.. and something that sounds like someone saying, "She's not answering..." Another voice: "Keep trying her..."   Just as I was about to call my parents, my phone rings again, it's from HOME.  I answer, "Jeeze!  What's going on there?!"  A voice I have never heard says, "Is this Megan Radke?"  Me: "Yes.."  My heart pounding... Voice: "Are you driving?  Are you somewhere you can talk?"  Me: "Yes.... I mean I'm not driving.."  I knew in that moment that this voice was going to tell me one of my parents had died.  Voice: "Megan, something has happened here...I don't want you to panic, or do anything rash, your mother....well your mother was found in the garage..."  The rest is a bit of a blur, but it goes something like this:

Me: Wait, you found her in the garage?  Is she okay? 
Voice: No...No, she passed away....
Me: What???  How??
Voice: The details are a little unclear at this time..
Me: God damn it, what the fuck are you talking about??!  Wait, are you sure, she's dead?  (Because clearly, medical professionals couldn't pronounce my mother dead, I was the only one that could truly know if her life had expired.)
Voice: Do you have someone to be with you?
Me: (Screaming) Where's my dad?!  Put my God damn dad on the mother fucking phone!
Voice: (Muffled..) She's insisting to talk to Ted....
Dad: (Shaken and crying) Megs?
Me: Dad, tell me they're wrong, mom's not dead????
Dad: She is Megan...I found her...I held her...
Me: (Sobbing) Nooooo......Why????
Dad: I don't know honey, we don't really know...Can you find someone to drive you home?
Me: Yeah...I will find someone...I will be there as soon as I can...

I was shaking, crying, my head was spinning, I didn't know what to to do.  It's funny how your mind works when your whole world is turned upside down.  In my next breath I called my VP at work, I didn't know where to start...but I knew I wasn't going to be at work for awhile... and it seemed like I should tell him... I called his house first, left a rambling message about how I wasn't going to be in to work for a few days because my mom had died..then tried his cell..he called me back in minutes, and was at my door 20 minutes later with his wife.  In the time it took for them to get there I called one of my college friends, and good friend of my family, Lauren.  She answered and I spewed out that mom had died..and my boss was coming over..and I didn't know what to do.  She helped me via phone make a list of what I needed to pack for at least the next few days... I don't think I would have been able to pack anything if she hadn't been physically telling me what to put in a bag.  I was still in my pajamas when I opened the door to my boss and his wife, they said nothing, just hugged me.  They sat on my couch and asked me what I knew so far.  Which was pretty much nothing.  I then asked them if they could drive me to Hollandale as I was quite sure I couldn't drive myself.  My boss had called Aubrey for me, and had told her about mom.  Aubrey was the next to call me as I was enroute home with my boss.  He was very funny as we drove, I didn't want to make conversation, I just wanted to look out the window, and make a few calls.  He wanted to make sure that I was content listening to the Minnesota Twins game via WCCO.  Truth was, I couldn't hear anything that night if I wanted too, my thoughts were too loud. 

I had never wanted to see Hollandale so badly in my entire life.  As I drove down Highway 251, that hot summer night, I looked over all of the vast fields of corn, onions, potatoes..silently taking it all in... My boss pulled up in the driveway, and my dad was on the deck with Einstein on his leash, the house all lit up behind him, I could see people inside.  It was slow motion.  I opened my door, got my bag out, dad was coming down the steps of the deck, Einstein pulling his leash tight trying to get to his Sissy as fast as he could.  Dad finally let go of his leash and I knelt down to grab Einstein and love him up.  And the tears started again.  Einstein licking my face, and jumping in my arms as if to say that I was never going to believe the shit that went down there that night.  I stood up and looked at dad, who had been crying, and we just hugged, and said that we loved each other.  My boss drove away...and then I had to go into that house. 

The house that was never again going to feel the same.  My mom was never going to be baking cookies or meatloaf when she knew I was coming home. She was never going to be sitting on the love seat watching the Twins and drinking a Mich Golden Light when I walked through the door. 

I looked around my parents small living room, the living room that mom meticulously cleaned multiple times throughout a week...and there were the people that had helped shape who I was in my formative years in Hollandale.  Kevin and Sheila, my dad's co workers, Ron, our neighbor, Big Don, my dads best friend and co worker, Emily and Barb, part of my mom's coffee clutch...but I was only looking for one woman: Shareen.  She is Big Don's wife, and my mom's best friend.  She was silently doing dishes in my mom's kitchen with her back turned to me as I walked through the mass of people to find her... I stood there, and said, "Shareenie?"  My nickname that I gave to her, as she was always my second mother... She turned slowly to me, didn't say anything, and just walked over, hands still wet with soap and water, and hugged me, we said nothing at first, and then I started sobbing, uncontrollably, a sob that only a mother could calm down..."What am I going to do??"  I sobbed?  She muffled a cry in my shoulder, and said, "I don't know honey, but we'll get through it.." 

That night dad and I couldn't sleep.  We stayed up after everyone had left, and talked about many things.  Ultimately, we knew one fact: Mom had committed suicide.  At that time we were unclear of why, but in the days to follow it would become clear.  There was no note, she had made her bed that morning, took Einstein for a walk, took a Vicodin cocktail out to the garage, locked the garage door, started the car, and fell asleep.  Dad and I discussed what we would do for her service, as this was unexpected and a funeral was not planned.  He tried to sleep in his recliner that night with the tv on...Einstein and I crawled into their bed...it still smelled like her..Her pillow smelled just like her.  If I did sleep it was broken..and by early morning dad and I were both up.

In a town of 300 word had spread that the Mayor's wife killed herself in about 6-8 hours.  Dad and I discussed how we were not going to hide this fact from anyone.  We were taken by surprise, and we didn't want anyone else to have to be blindsided like we were.  When people asked us what happened, we told them.  No one should ever have to lose a loved one in this way.  This is why to this day I will always openly tell people, if they ask me how mom died. 

Grief is an interesting thing.  The house was a revolving door of people and food.  Some people that knew us well just came and stayed, which we liked the best.  Other people that didn't know us that well, but wanted to share their condolences would stop by...and then ask every detail about how dad found mom.  Then there were people that we thought we were good friends with, or knew mom really well, and didn't say a damn thing.  But without fail, every person that came: brought food.  Which is funny because the last thing I wanted to do those days was eat.  I had no appetite for days, but the food was piling up.  I think we may still have buns frozen in some neighbors freezers if I were to go looking for them...

We had a beautiful service for mom.  The church was nearly full, we figure around 300 people came to the service, and we were so, so blessed by the beautiful flowers, memorials and over all, outpouring of love for this woman.  People from her high school years, nursing school days, various nursing jobs, the list goes on and on...came or sent cards to her.  Her patients that she saw on a regular basis with her doctor were devastated by her death.  We always knew she was the life of the party, but to hear how she would go above and beyond for not only us, but for others in her life, was really heart warming. 

My mom died because she was so busy helping us, she couldn't help herself.  She took on one of my student loans while I worked at my alma matter for peanuts, she helped pay for my dad's hip replacements, and various other health ailments...We found a stack of bills that were unpaid under the seat of her car.  She had began gambling to try to get money to help us with these things, and didn't want to ask us for help because she was the strong one.  We could have figured this out together, but she didn't want to let on to us that anything was wrong.  She was the best mom anyone could ask for, and I got her all to myself, for 28 glorious years.  She (and my dad, for that matter) were the parents that all of your friends love.  I miss her, every, single day.  I would give anything if I could just have one more day with her, to hear her voice, to listen to her laugh, to drink beers and talk about the Twins.  To tell her, that I love her more than she will ever know, and that I thank her for everything she and dad gave up to give to me.  But then I realize, that one day isn't enough.  I am selfish and I would want more than that. 

I work hard to be the woman that my mom raised me to be.  Smart, funny, not afraid to speak my mind, but over all, caring about every relationship that is in my life.  My mom was the best at remembering birthday's, anniversaries, etc.  She knew that relationships is what makes life worth living.  I am the person I am today, because of her. 

Mom pre-gaming before the last Twins game at the Metrodome :)

Only mom would find a wine tasting outside the Dome..not enjoying the Merlot..

First and last Mother's day at Target Field.