Below is Mom's homily that was said at her mass. I love dragon flies because of this. :)
At the bottom of the pond little grubs were crawling around. They wonder what happens to their members who climb up the stems of the lilies and never come back. "I wonder what its like up there," they'd ask each other. They agreed among themselves that the next one who is called to the surface will come back. The next day, a little grub finds himself drawn to the surface by nature and crawls up the stem and out on the surface on the lily leaf. He found it so bright up there. The light was almost blinding, not dark and murky like it was down below. "They won't believe this," the little grub thought to himself.
Then, something begins to happen. He began to feel his sides start to swell. Painful at first then amazement slowly, two huge beautiful colored wings began to unfold out of his sides, and he becomes a beautiful dragonfly. He never imagines that this could have happened! He thought he'd remain a grub forever. He flew back and forth across the pond. He could see all the other grubs in the pond below but they couldn't see him. Soon, he realized there was no way he could get back to tell them and that they could not recognize such a beautiful creature as ever having been one of them.
Our scripture readings and this story all have to do with new life. Berde is certainly experiencing a new life with our loving God.
In the Gospel of John we hear the words: "Do not let your hearts be troubled." These words are most remarkable. Jesus knew his disciples had very troubled hearts, because of what he had just told them about his imminent death. Jesus knows are hearts are troubled. Our hearts are troubled because a wife, a mother a friend was taken from us too early in this life time.
Yet our hearts should know comfort because Berde will live on because love never ends and Berde's life is more precious because of how fully she lived her life. Berde lived her life fully:
. As a wife to Ted and a mother of Megan. Berde lived the words proclaimed in the Book of Proverbs. She was an ideal wife and mother.
. Being a best friend to Megan slipping her treats when she left home.
. Being a frugal person only buying a four pack of toilet paper versus the 24.
. Spending time with her closest friends, making rosette's wanting to laugh willing to party
. Being a friend to others by sending cards, writing poems all to give others a smile on their face.
. Being a woman of faith. Berde loved being involved in church, sharing her faith with others and made sure the sacristy had freshly laundered communion cloth.
. Enjoyed spending the summer months watching the Minnesota Twins games and the quiet times on the pontoon at Balsam Lake.
. Spoiling her dog Einstein
Our hearts are troubled because a wife, a mother a friend was taken from us too early in this life time. Yet we need to understand the following beliefs:
Berde had a mental illness. Berde was not perfect and had a hard time dealing with her own imperfections. Berde was the only one who knew the depth of the illness. It was this illness that caused her to take her own life.
We must in the days ahead remember how Berde touched our lives. Let us not judge her, judge her imperfections or judge the end. We will leave the judgment up to God. Instead, let us talk about the nice cards we received, her laughter her willingness to share her faith. This is what needs to be shared in café and in the streets of Hollandale and surrounding communities.
Our hearts should know comfort that Berde is in the loving hands of God and by her side is her mother who she loved dearly. She is experiencing new life with no more illness, no more guilt, no more struggle. As we heard in the book of Revelation Berde is experiencing a new life with God.
Our hearts should know comfort because God recognizes a life fully lived and loved. God recognizes our struggles and certainly understood Berde's struggles in this world. Because God understands and loves the reward is eternal life.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Roberta Ann Radke 1952-2010
I knew at some point I was going to share this, and have been dreading it since I started writing this blog. My life up until July 26, 2010 had been a good one. Of course there were the usual ups and downs that happen in everyone's life, but for my first 28 years on this earth, I can say I was no worse for the wear. Of course I had seen grand parents pass away, and had mini dramas here or there, but ultimately, I had been a very lucky, lucky girl. With all of the reminders of Mother's Day on TV or the radio lately, she has been on my mind a lot.
It was a typical Minnesota July day. Sweltering, humid, and rumor had it some of the first sweet corn of the season was out. I had worked all day on campus in the office, and as soon as the day was over drove to pick up corn. It's funny how little things are engraved in one's memory when their world forever changes. I went home, cleaned the corn on my patio, drank a beer, took a shower, and had just sat down with steaming ears of corn at my table, when I heard my cell phone ring in the distance. Nothing was going to stop me from enjoying this corn, I buttered it up, put a ton of salt and peppper on it, and let my phone ring. The corn was as good as my co workers had said, so sweet, each kernel popped in my mouth. My phone rings again. I was covered in butter and corn, couldn't stop for the phone, I would check who called when I finished. The phone rings again. Now, I'm interested. 3 calls in less than 5 minutes? I wash my hands, and head over to my cell phone on my coffee table. 3 missed calls: HOME. Well that's weird, my parents never call me that much, I thought to myself. I had a voicemail. I listen to it: Just chaos, Einstein barking.. and something that sounds like someone saying, "She's not answering..." Another voice: "Keep trying her..." Just as I was about to call my parents, my phone rings again, it's from HOME. I answer, "Jeeze! What's going on there?!" A voice I have never heard says, "Is this Megan Radke?" Me: "Yes.." My heart pounding... Voice: "Are you driving? Are you somewhere you can talk?" Me: "Yes.... I mean I'm not driving.." I knew in that moment that this voice was going to tell me one of my parents had died. Voice: "Megan, something has happened here...I don't want you to panic, or do anything rash, your mother....well your mother was found in the garage..." The rest is a bit of a blur, but it goes something like this:
Me: Wait, you found her in the garage? Is she okay?
Voice: No...No, she passed away....
Me: What??? How??
Voice: The details are a little unclear at this time..
Me: God damn it, what the fuck are you talking about??! Wait, are you sure, she's dead? (Because clearly, medical professionals couldn't pronounce my mother dead, I was the only one that could truly know if her life had expired.)
Voice: Do you have someone to be with you?
Me: (Screaming) Where's my dad?! Put my God damn dad on the mother fucking phone!
Voice: (Muffled..) She's insisting to talk to Ted....
Dad: (Shaken and crying) Megs?
Me: Dad, tell me they're wrong, mom's not dead????
Dad: She is Megan...I found her...I held her...
Me: (Sobbing) Nooooo......Why????
Dad: I don't know honey, we don't really know...Can you find someone to drive you home?
Me: Yeah...I will find someone...I will be there as soon as I can...
I was shaking, crying, my head was spinning, I didn't know what to to do. It's funny how your mind works when your whole world is turned upside down. In my next breath I called my VP at work, I didn't know where to start...but I knew I wasn't going to be at work for awhile... and it seemed like I should tell him... I called his house first, left a rambling message about how I wasn't going to be in to work for a few days because my mom had died..then tried his cell..he called me back in minutes, and was at my door 20 minutes later with his wife. In the time it took for them to get there I called one of my college friends, and good friend of my family, Lauren. She answered and I spewed out that mom had died..and my boss was coming over..and I didn't know what to do. She helped me via phone make a list of what I needed to pack for at least the next few days... I don't think I would have been able to pack anything if she hadn't been physically telling me what to put in a bag. I was still in my pajamas when I opened the door to my boss and his wife, they said nothing, just hugged me. They sat on my couch and asked me what I knew so far. Which was pretty much nothing. I then asked them if they could drive me to Hollandale as I was quite sure I couldn't drive myself. My boss had called Aubrey for me, and had told her about mom. Aubrey was the next to call me as I was enroute home with my boss. He was very funny as we drove, I didn't want to make conversation, I just wanted to look out the window, and make a few calls. He wanted to make sure that I was content listening to the Minnesota Twins game via WCCO. Truth was, I couldn't hear anything that night if I wanted too, my thoughts were too loud.
I had never wanted to see Hollandale so badly in my entire life. As I drove down Highway 251, that hot summer night, I looked over all of the vast fields of corn, onions, potatoes..silently taking it all in... My boss pulled up in the driveway, and my dad was on the deck with Einstein on his leash, the house all lit up behind him, I could see people inside. It was slow motion. I opened my door, got my bag out, dad was coming down the steps of the deck, Einstein pulling his leash tight trying to get to his Sissy as fast as he could. Dad finally let go of his leash and I knelt down to grab Einstein and love him up. And the tears started again. Einstein licking my face, and jumping in my arms as if to say that I was never going to believe the shit that went down there that night. I stood up and looked at dad, who had been crying, and we just hugged, and said that we loved each other. My boss drove away...and then I had to go into that house.
The house that was never again going to feel the same. My mom was never going to be baking cookies or meatloaf when she knew I was coming home. She was never going to be sitting on the love seat watching the Twins and drinking a Mich Golden Light when I walked through the door.
I looked around my parents small living room, the living room that mom meticulously cleaned multiple times throughout a week...and there were the people that had helped shape who I was in my formative years in Hollandale. Kevin and Sheila, my dad's co workers, Ron, our neighbor, Big Don, my dads best friend and co worker, Emily and Barb, part of my mom's coffee clutch...but I was only looking for one woman: Shareen. She is Big Don's wife, and my mom's best friend. She was silently doing dishes in my mom's kitchen with her back turned to me as I walked through the mass of people to find her... I stood there, and said, "Shareenie?" My nickname that I gave to her, as she was always my second mother... She turned slowly to me, didn't say anything, and just walked over, hands still wet with soap and water, and hugged me, we said nothing at first, and then I started sobbing, uncontrollably, a sob that only a mother could calm down..."What am I going to do??" I sobbed? She muffled a cry in my shoulder, and said, "I don't know honey, but we'll get through it.."
That night dad and I couldn't sleep. We stayed up after everyone had left, and talked about many things. Ultimately, we knew one fact: Mom had committed suicide. At that time we were unclear of why, but in the days to follow it would become clear. There was no note, she had made her bed that morning, took Einstein for a walk, took a Vicodin cocktail out to the garage, locked the garage door, started the car, and fell asleep. Dad and I discussed what we would do for her service, as this was unexpected and a funeral was not planned. He tried to sleep in his recliner that night with the tv on...Einstein and I crawled into their bed...it still smelled like her..Her pillow smelled just like her. If I did sleep it was broken..and by early morning dad and I were both up.
In a town of 300 word had spread that the Mayor's wife killed herself in about 6-8 hours. Dad and I discussed how we were not going to hide this fact from anyone. We were taken by surprise, and we didn't want anyone else to have to be blindsided like we were. When people asked us what happened, we told them. No one should ever have to lose a loved one in this way. This is why to this day I will always openly tell people, if they ask me how mom died.
Grief is an interesting thing. The house was a revolving door of people and food. Some people that knew us well just came and stayed, which we liked the best. Other people that didn't know us that well, but wanted to share their condolences would stop by...and then ask every detail about how dad found mom. Then there were people that we thought we were good friends with, or knew mom really well, and didn't say a damn thing. But without fail, every person that came: brought food. Which is funny because the last thing I wanted to do those days was eat. I had no appetite for days, but the food was piling up. I think we may still have buns frozen in some neighbors freezers if I were to go looking for them...
We had a beautiful service for mom. The church was nearly full, we figure around 300 people came to the service, and we were so, so blessed by the beautiful flowers, memorials and over all, outpouring of love for this woman. People from her high school years, nursing school days, various nursing jobs, the list goes on and on...came or sent cards to her. Her patients that she saw on a regular basis with her doctor were devastated by her death. We always knew she was the life of the party, but to hear how she would go above and beyond for not only us, but for others in her life, was really heart warming.
My mom died because she was so busy helping us, she couldn't help herself. She took on one of my student loans while I worked at my alma matter for peanuts, she helped pay for my dad's hip replacements, and various other health ailments...We found a stack of bills that were unpaid under the seat of her car. She had began gambling to try to get money to help us with these things, and didn't want to ask us for help because she was the strong one. We could have figured this out together, but she didn't want to let on to us that anything was wrong. She was the best mom anyone could ask for, and I got her all to myself, for 28 glorious years. She (and my dad, for that matter) were the parents that all of your friends love. I miss her, every, single day. I would give anything if I could just have one more day with her, to hear her voice, to listen to her laugh, to drink beers and talk about the Twins. To tell her, that I love her more than she will ever know, and that I thank her for everything she and dad gave up to give to me. But then I realize, that one day isn't enough. I am selfish and I would want more than that.
I work hard to be the woman that my mom raised me to be. Smart, funny, not afraid to speak my mind, but over all, caring about every relationship that is in my life. My mom was the best at remembering birthday's, anniversaries, etc. She knew that relationships is what makes life worth living. I am the person I am today, because of her.
Mom pre-gaming before the last Twins game at the Metrodome :)
Only mom would find a wine tasting outside the Dome..not enjoying the Merlot..
First and last Mother's day at Target Field.
It was a typical Minnesota July day. Sweltering, humid, and rumor had it some of the first sweet corn of the season was out. I had worked all day on campus in the office, and as soon as the day was over drove to pick up corn. It's funny how little things are engraved in one's memory when their world forever changes. I went home, cleaned the corn on my patio, drank a beer, took a shower, and had just sat down with steaming ears of corn at my table, when I heard my cell phone ring in the distance. Nothing was going to stop me from enjoying this corn, I buttered it up, put a ton of salt and peppper on it, and let my phone ring. The corn was as good as my co workers had said, so sweet, each kernel popped in my mouth. My phone rings again. I was covered in butter and corn, couldn't stop for the phone, I would check who called when I finished. The phone rings again. Now, I'm interested. 3 calls in less than 5 minutes? I wash my hands, and head over to my cell phone on my coffee table. 3 missed calls: HOME. Well that's weird, my parents never call me that much, I thought to myself. I had a voicemail. I listen to it: Just chaos, Einstein barking.. and something that sounds like someone saying, "She's not answering..." Another voice: "Keep trying her..." Just as I was about to call my parents, my phone rings again, it's from HOME. I answer, "Jeeze! What's going on there?!" A voice I have never heard says, "Is this Megan Radke?" Me: "Yes.." My heart pounding... Voice: "Are you driving? Are you somewhere you can talk?" Me: "Yes.... I mean I'm not driving.." I knew in that moment that this voice was going to tell me one of my parents had died. Voice: "Megan, something has happened here...I don't want you to panic, or do anything rash, your mother....well your mother was found in the garage..." The rest is a bit of a blur, but it goes something like this:
Me: Wait, you found her in the garage? Is she okay?
Voice: No...No, she passed away....
Me: What??? How??
Voice: The details are a little unclear at this time..
Me: God damn it, what the fuck are you talking about??! Wait, are you sure, she's dead? (Because clearly, medical professionals couldn't pronounce my mother dead, I was the only one that could truly know if her life had expired.)
Voice: Do you have someone to be with you?
Me: (Screaming) Where's my dad?! Put my God damn dad on the mother fucking phone!
Voice: (Muffled..) She's insisting to talk to Ted....
Dad: (Shaken and crying) Megs?
Me: Dad, tell me they're wrong, mom's not dead????
Dad: She is Megan...I found her...I held her...
Me: (Sobbing) Nooooo......Why????
Dad: I don't know honey, we don't really know...Can you find someone to drive you home?
Me: Yeah...I will find someone...I will be there as soon as I can...
I was shaking, crying, my head was spinning, I didn't know what to to do. It's funny how your mind works when your whole world is turned upside down. In my next breath I called my VP at work, I didn't know where to start...but I knew I wasn't going to be at work for awhile... and it seemed like I should tell him... I called his house first, left a rambling message about how I wasn't going to be in to work for a few days because my mom had died..then tried his cell..he called me back in minutes, and was at my door 20 minutes later with his wife. In the time it took for them to get there I called one of my college friends, and good friend of my family, Lauren. She answered and I spewed out that mom had died..and my boss was coming over..and I didn't know what to do. She helped me via phone make a list of what I needed to pack for at least the next few days... I don't think I would have been able to pack anything if she hadn't been physically telling me what to put in a bag. I was still in my pajamas when I opened the door to my boss and his wife, they said nothing, just hugged me. They sat on my couch and asked me what I knew so far. Which was pretty much nothing. I then asked them if they could drive me to Hollandale as I was quite sure I couldn't drive myself. My boss had called Aubrey for me, and had told her about mom. Aubrey was the next to call me as I was enroute home with my boss. He was very funny as we drove, I didn't want to make conversation, I just wanted to look out the window, and make a few calls. He wanted to make sure that I was content listening to the Minnesota Twins game via WCCO. Truth was, I couldn't hear anything that night if I wanted too, my thoughts were too loud.
I had never wanted to see Hollandale so badly in my entire life. As I drove down Highway 251, that hot summer night, I looked over all of the vast fields of corn, onions, potatoes..silently taking it all in... My boss pulled up in the driveway, and my dad was on the deck with Einstein on his leash, the house all lit up behind him, I could see people inside. It was slow motion. I opened my door, got my bag out, dad was coming down the steps of the deck, Einstein pulling his leash tight trying to get to his Sissy as fast as he could. Dad finally let go of his leash and I knelt down to grab Einstein and love him up. And the tears started again. Einstein licking my face, and jumping in my arms as if to say that I was never going to believe the shit that went down there that night. I stood up and looked at dad, who had been crying, and we just hugged, and said that we loved each other. My boss drove away...and then I had to go into that house.
The house that was never again going to feel the same. My mom was never going to be baking cookies or meatloaf when she knew I was coming home. She was never going to be sitting on the love seat watching the Twins and drinking a Mich Golden Light when I walked through the door.
I looked around my parents small living room, the living room that mom meticulously cleaned multiple times throughout a week...and there were the people that had helped shape who I was in my formative years in Hollandale. Kevin and Sheila, my dad's co workers, Ron, our neighbor, Big Don, my dads best friend and co worker, Emily and Barb, part of my mom's coffee clutch...but I was only looking for one woman: Shareen. She is Big Don's wife, and my mom's best friend. She was silently doing dishes in my mom's kitchen with her back turned to me as I walked through the mass of people to find her... I stood there, and said, "Shareenie?" My nickname that I gave to her, as she was always my second mother... She turned slowly to me, didn't say anything, and just walked over, hands still wet with soap and water, and hugged me, we said nothing at first, and then I started sobbing, uncontrollably, a sob that only a mother could calm down..."What am I going to do??" I sobbed? She muffled a cry in my shoulder, and said, "I don't know honey, but we'll get through it.."
That night dad and I couldn't sleep. We stayed up after everyone had left, and talked about many things. Ultimately, we knew one fact: Mom had committed suicide. At that time we were unclear of why, but in the days to follow it would become clear. There was no note, she had made her bed that morning, took Einstein for a walk, took a Vicodin cocktail out to the garage, locked the garage door, started the car, and fell asleep. Dad and I discussed what we would do for her service, as this was unexpected and a funeral was not planned. He tried to sleep in his recliner that night with the tv on...Einstein and I crawled into their bed...it still smelled like her..Her pillow smelled just like her. If I did sleep it was broken..and by early morning dad and I were both up.
In a town of 300 word had spread that the Mayor's wife killed herself in about 6-8 hours. Dad and I discussed how we were not going to hide this fact from anyone. We were taken by surprise, and we didn't want anyone else to have to be blindsided like we were. When people asked us what happened, we told them. No one should ever have to lose a loved one in this way. This is why to this day I will always openly tell people, if they ask me how mom died.
Grief is an interesting thing. The house was a revolving door of people and food. Some people that knew us well just came and stayed, which we liked the best. Other people that didn't know us that well, but wanted to share their condolences would stop by...and then ask every detail about how dad found mom. Then there were people that we thought we were good friends with, or knew mom really well, and didn't say a damn thing. But without fail, every person that came: brought food. Which is funny because the last thing I wanted to do those days was eat. I had no appetite for days, but the food was piling up. I think we may still have buns frozen in some neighbors freezers if I were to go looking for them...
We had a beautiful service for mom. The church was nearly full, we figure around 300 people came to the service, and we were so, so blessed by the beautiful flowers, memorials and over all, outpouring of love for this woman. People from her high school years, nursing school days, various nursing jobs, the list goes on and on...came or sent cards to her. Her patients that she saw on a regular basis with her doctor were devastated by her death. We always knew she was the life of the party, but to hear how she would go above and beyond for not only us, but for others in her life, was really heart warming.
My mom died because she was so busy helping us, she couldn't help herself. She took on one of my student loans while I worked at my alma matter for peanuts, she helped pay for my dad's hip replacements, and various other health ailments...We found a stack of bills that were unpaid under the seat of her car. She had began gambling to try to get money to help us with these things, and didn't want to ask us for help because she was the strong one. We could have figured this out together, but she didn't want to let on to us that anything was wrong. She was the best mom anyone could ask for, and I got her all to myself, for 28 glorious years. She (and my dad, for that matter) were the parents that all of your friends love. I miss her, every, single day. I would give anything if I could just have one more day with her, to hear her voice, to listen to her laugh, to drink beers and talk about the Twins. To tell her, that I love her more than she will ever know, and that I thank her for everything she and dad gave up to give to me. But then I realize, that one day isn't enough. I am selfish and I would want more than that.
I work hard to be the woman that my mom raised me to be. Smart, funny, not afraid to speak my mind, but over all, caring about every relationship that is in my life. My mom was the best at remembering birthday's, anniversaries, etc. She knew that relationships is what makes life worth living. I am the person I am today, because of her.
Monday, April 23, 2012
My brother.
On March 17, 2007 my life forever changed as my parents had another child at the ripe ages of 55 and 56. No, they aren't some weird television special you would watch on The Learning Channel about old people getting pregnant...It was worse. They got a dog.
Now mind you, I had only asked for a dog every single day of my existence from the age of 6 to about 16...did I get a dog?? Nooooooooo. I suggested they get one when I left for college, did they get a dog? Nooooooo. My parents began dog sitting for a Bichon Frise, and had slowly warmed up to the idea of a dog. The dog would come and stay for a few nights, was well behaved, potty trained, and that started the wheels turning that maybe a little furry companion wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course, they said that and then didn't do anything about it for like 4 years. Mom was throwing her lunch tray away in the cafeteria one January day, when she saw the pictures of the litter of Bichon Frise puppies on the bulletin board at work. She came home and mentioned it to dad, as the puppies would be ready for pick up around Valentines day. Dad didn't think much about the idea, but when I called home one night to talk with them, mom was going on and on about how cute they were. I encouraged them to just go look. She made a call to the nurse at the clinic that was selling them, and got some details. Again, mentioned it to dad, and again, he didn't say too much. I pushed a little more, and when there were only 2 puppies left in the litter my parents decided they would just 'go look' at them.
On the weekend I knew they were going to go look at the puppies, I decided I needed to go to their house and go with them to look the dogs because clearly this was going to be entertainment. We rolled onto a sprawling farm, and as we walked to the door I could hear the excited puppies pawing at the door. Mom's friend that was selling the puppies opened the door and out came two white balls of fur. We got them back inside and sat down to scope the pups out. There was a boy pup and girl pup left. My parents knew they wanted the boy IF they were to get one at all. I sat on the floor living my childhood dream of getting to pick out a puppy. Even if I was 25... The puppies chased each other around, climbed up in my lap, played on the floor. I was sold. I was too scared to look at my parents though, fearing they would not be. Now, it was Mom's idea to come and look at the dogs, and suddenly, it's like the reality of it sank in, and she wasn't as in love as I thought she was going to be. Then the boy pup wandered over to dad, circled around his legs and dad picked him up. There this big man was, holding this little 6lb ball of white fur with apricot ears, and little pink tongue poking out, he cuddled right into dad...In the next breath I heard dad say, "How much for the male pup?" And reached for his check book. They waited a week to pick him back up as they wanted to prepare the house for the puppy.
The dog was given a distinguished name: Einstein Patrick Radke. Einstein, as clearly he was the smartest puppy in the world. Patrick, because they picked him up on St. Patrick's Day. He is a pure bred Bichon Frise, and from that day forward my parents lives changed, just like when they brought me home from the hospital.
Those of you that knew my mother, know that she was ANAL about how she kept her house. Einstein was in the house about 20 minutes the first time he peed on the carpet, about an hour before he pooped, and about 3 days before he barfed everywhere. The first 2 weeks they had little sleep, lots of potty training, lots of discussions on not chewing on things around the house, and at one point I think my mom was crying thinking that her house was going down the shitter. He took to potty training quickly though, and soon the fun began. Which is also when I started getting daily email updates from mom that went like this: "Morning Meg! Einstein was such a big boy last night, he slept the whole night through in his kennel, woke up and went out side and did a pee and BIG poo! He's such a little cuddle bug." The majority of my emails and phone calls from that point forward was an Einstein story. A conversation that actually happened while on the phone, now mind you, mom would talk to the dog, like he was a real person that understood what she was saying...
Einstein can't leave laundry alone...he got a pair of my undies when I was doing laundry at my parents...
Me: Hey, thought I would call and see how you guys are.
Mom: Oh, we're just sitting here watching the game.
Me: You got dad to watch the Twins game?
Mom: No! Me and Einstein!
Me: Oh..Einstein likes baseball?
Mom: LOVES IT! He likes Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau the best.
Me: Sure he does...So I was going to ask you about.........
Mom: (Cutting in, talking to the dog) EINSTEIN! What did Mommy say?! Einie?! Mommy said do not chew on cord to the lamp. Remember what I said? I said that you can electrocute yourself, remember?! (She then proceeds to make a fake electrocuting noise.) Now, that's right, come back here to the love seat and sit by me...Good boy. Now what were you saying Meg?
Around this time I also got a new name. I was no longer Megan in the eyes of my parents, I was 'Sissy.' They said that Einstein was my brother, and that I was his sister...Rarely did they call me Megs, Meg, or Megan from that point on. My brother, born from a K-9 mother, was now in my parents world, my biological brother. There was no use fighting it. I just smiled and nodded, and knew that, that little fluff butt was making them happy and keeping them on their toes. He is the only brother I will ever have...and he was pretty damn cute.
You can probably see the resemblance if you look closely..
Now mind you, I had only asked for a dog every single day of my existence from the age of 6 to about 16...did I get a dog?? Nooooooooo. I suggested they get one when I left for college, did they get a dog? Nooooooo. My parents began dog sitting for a Bichon Frise, and had slowly warmed up to the idea of a dog. The dog would come and stay for a few nights, was well behaved, potty trained, and that started the wheels turning that maybe a little furry companion wouldn't be such a bad idea. Of course, they said that and then didn't do anything about it for like 4 years. Mom was throwing her lunch tray away in the cafeteria one January day, when she saw the pictures of the litter of Bichon Frise puppies on the bulletin board at work. She came home and mentioned it to dad, as the puppies would be ready for pick up around Valentines day. Dad didn't think much about the idea, but when I called home one night to talk with them, mom was going on and on about how cute they were. I encouraged them to just go look. She made a call to the nurse at the clinic that was selling them, and got some details. Again, mentioned it to dad, and again, he didn't say too much. I pushed a little more, and when there were only 2 puppies left in the litter my parents decided they would just 'go look' at them.
On the weekend I knew they were going to go look at the puppies, I decided I needed to go to their house and go with them to look the dogs because clearly this was going to be entertainment. We rolled onto a sprawling farm, and as we walked to the door I could hear the excited puppies pawing at the door. Mom's friend that was selling the puppies opened the door and out came two white balls of fur. We got them back inside and sat down to scope the pups out. There was a boy pup and girl pup left. My parents knew they wanted the boy IF they were to get one at all. I sat on the floor living my childhood dream of getting to pick out a puppy. Even if I was 25... The puppies chased each other around, climbed up in my lap, played on the floor. I was sold. I was too scared to look at my parents though, fearing they would not be. Now, it was Mom's idea to come and look at the dogs, and suddenly, it's like the reality of it sank in, and she wasn't as in love as I thought she was going to be. Then the boy pup wandered over to dad, circled around his legs and dad picked him up. There this big man was, holding this little 6lb ball of white fur with apricot ears, and little pink tongue poking out, he cuddled right into dad...In the next breath I heard dad say, "How much for the male pup?" And reached for his check book. They waited a week to pick him back up as they wanted to prepare the house for the puppy.
The dog was given a distinguished name: Einstein Patrick Radke. Einstein, as clearly he was the smartest puppy in the world. Patrick, because they picked him up on St. Patrick's Day. He is a pure bred Bichon Frise, and from that day forward my parents lives changed, just like when they brought me home from the hospital.
Those of you that knew my mother, know that she was ANAL about how she kept her house. Einstein was in the house about 20 minutes the first time he peed on the carpet, about an hour before he pooped, and about 3 days before he barfed everywhere. The first 2 weeks they had little sleep, lots of potty training, lots of discussions on not chewing on things around the house, and at one point I think my mom was crying thinking that her house was going down the shitter. He took to potty training quickly though, and soon the fun began. Which is also when I started getting daily email updates from mom that went like this: "Morning Meg! Einstein was such a big boy last night, he slept the whole night through in his kennel, woke up and went out side and did a pee and BIG poo! He's such a little cuddle bug." The majority of my emails and phone calls from that point forward was an Einstein story. A conversation that actually happened while on the phone, now mind you, mom would talk to the dog, like he was a real person that understood what she was saying...
Me: Hey, thought I would call and see how you guys are.
Mom: Oh, we're just sitting here watching the game.
Me: You got dad to watch the Twins game?
Mom: No! Me and Einstein!
Me: Oh..Einstein likes baseball?
Mom: LOVES IT! He likes Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau the best.
Me: Sure he does...So I was going to ask you about.........
Mom: (Cutting in, talking to the dog) EINSTEIN! What did Mommy say?! Einie?! Mommy said do not chew on cord to the lamp. Remember what I said? I said that you can electrocute yourself, remember?! (She then proceeds to make a fake electrocuting noise.) Now, that's right, come back here to the love seat and sit by me...Good boy. Now what were you saying Meg?
Around this time I also got a new name. I was no longer Megan in the eyes of my parents, I was 'Sissy.' They said that Einstein was my brother, and that I was his sister...Rarely did they call me Megs, Meg, or Megan from that point on. My brother, born from a K-9 mother, was now in my parents world, my biological brother. There was no use fighting it. I just smiled and nodded, and knew that, that little fluff butt was making them happy and keeping them on their toes. He is the only brother I will ever have...and he was pretty damn cute.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The time Aubrey and I had to be role models.
Good Sunday friends. It's a wee bit of a sauna here this afternoon, as the weather can't decide if it wants to storm, or just wait 24 hours, cool down, and have snow flurries tomorrow. Only in Minnesota right? What better to do when sweltering through humidity in April, then to write a blog entry that I know my followers have been thirsting for.
I got to thinking about funny things that happened over the course of my 6 years as an Admission Counselor at my alma mater. There were many funny stories, and I would love to tell all of them, but for obvious reasons I can't because A.) people are sensitive and probably not ready for my observations on their stupidity. B.) I would like to always be welcomed back to that campus and not banned because I decided to tell the world (or my 14 followers) about how on occasion they would do things ass backwards. It's funny how when you are no longer a student on that campus, but employed by them that you really see how decisions are made...and one of the BEST decisions our Vice President for Admission ever made was to put Aubrey and I in charge of the student ambassador program.
Now just a refresher on who Aubs (or Aubz, as she prefers, because she thinks it's more urban) is: She is the Visit Coordinator in the campus Admission Office. She set up all visits individually for each student and his or her family that would be planning a trip to campus. If it was just a tour and meeting with an Admission Counselor (like yours truly) she would set that up...or for the anal retentive student that wanted: a tour, lunch on campus, meet with a student in his or her future major, (which was probably pre-med because everyone thinks they're going to be a doctor when they're 18, until the realize they're really not that smart. Easy, don't hate on me because I saw it a million times over the course of my time there: "I can't wait to be a doctor!...Hey, wait...these labs are really hard and this major is based in science??") sit in on a class, meet a coach, and then stay over night with a current student...she would set up all of that. Her multi tasking skills are beyond amazing. Slowly more and more got added to her plate and they were going to add the ambassador program to her growing list of things to do. As a former student ambassador, I remembered how amazing the program was when I was a freshman/sophomore in college, and then what a disaster it turned into when someone new took it over. So in passing to our VP one day I suggested that I could co-direct the ambassador program with Aubrey. He had no problems with that...and that's when that program got a face lift, like none other.
So, you've got me: Loud, politically incorrect, bossy, and a bit of a perfectionist..mixed with Aubs: Hottie with body, no filter, politically incorrect, go with the flow...You can see how this is both a perfect and crazy combination. Or how we ended up playing out the dynamic duo: good cop/bad cop. Aubs was the good cop, and I played the bad cop because I had no problem telling our ambassadors when they screwed up and needed to start acting like decent human beings. The first thing on the agenda was to completely revamp the hiring/training process. We built this from the ground up, interviewing students (which was a shit show in itself, and I'm pretty sure is like no interview that student will never have again.) before the school year was out for returning students, and at freshman orientation for new students. They would walk into the room all serious and nervous about wanting to get a job with the Admission office, and there Aubrey and I would be. Initially it started out semi serious, but by interiew #40, Aubrey was introducing herself as...Herself... and me as "Megan, but she goes by Banana Hammock." So if the students could show they had a sense of humor, and that they had a work ethic..or at least attempted to have a work ethic, we were going to hire them. We needed numbers in the program for tours, over night hosts, and tons of other little events our office would put on. That first fall we had about 70 student ambassadors we were in charge of. The program grew over the years and by the time I left we had about 85 students in the program that we were in charge of. This also meant, these 18-22 year olds were looking to Aubrey and I for advice not only in the program, but would come to us when break ups would happen, fights with roomies would transpire, and overall college gossip that we needed to be in the know about.
*Every year Aubs and I would put our face on something and give it to the kids as a gift. This particular year - A can koozie, which I 'm sure ONLY non alcoholic beverages were kept cold in.*
Now, looking back on this, I wonder if we were the right people for this job. The 2 of us were, trying to keep the training/program as interactive as possible, and have some kind of control. Because young adults, can smell fear. Let me tell you, that first day of training every August, Aubrey and I were scared shitless. There were many more of them, and only 2 of us, and without fail, trying to get a room of nearly 80, out going students to listen to you, is like trying to silence a mosh pit at a Marilyn Manson concert. So we did what any leader would do, we wrote a rap about the ambassador program, and found ways to make fun of ourselves before the students could do it. This helped for a number of reasons: 1.) Aubrey and I were able to relax a bit with laughter first thing on day 1. 2.) It made the students see that we were approachable. 3.) It started training off with a bang and showed the kids it was going to be fun...and 4.) Show them that these 2 are lunatics, may be older than they were, but still had the mental capacity of 18-22 year olds. By day 3 I was usually tired of trying to silence everyone and they were all wearing on my nerves. Aubrey always totally held it together, but in trying to hold it together my sarcasm/angers evils cousin, was bound to come out. The following are directions I was trying to give while shouting over students on the last day, verbatim, while shadowing tours and trying to learn the tour routes:
Me: "If you're with Sarah's group, go over there, if you're following Sami, meet up here, if you have a gun, bring it to me...Meet back here when you're all done!" If they didn't know what sarcasm was when they entered the program, by God, they were fluent in it by the time they were Seniors.
Aubrey and I loved those damn kids. They made us crazy as hell, but they were the favorite part of both of our jobs. When I got ready to take a new job last year, it was the ambassadors and Aubrey that I dreaded telling that I was leaving. Aubrey because we had been through so much together professionally and personally over the years, and the students because, while I'm not a mother, they are the closest things I will ever have to my own children. When they hurt, we hurt, and when they had success, we felt we were part of that success as well. I like to think that when they look back at their time in college they will remember Aubrey and I, and hopefully just a little part of our craziness, and sincere love for them will be remembered.
*We loved when our students would finally be of age to have an adult beverage with. They knew the deal was that once they turned 21 we would take them for a drinkie poo. A right of passage if you will.*
The program ran so well, that we actually presented 2 summers in a row at a conference on the program, and now colleges throughout the country are shadowing the program that Aubrey and I created. Presenting at a conference of course meant, she and I were able to leave the office for a few days and cause some trouble in Chicago...Not that we weren't causing trouble together in south eastern Minnesota.
*Aubs and I presenting in Chicago at the ACT Conference. In case you can't tell, we're kind of a big deal. *
Looking back at those 6 years, I don't think I would have made it some days if Aubrey hadn't been there to tell me to cool down, or be a shoulder to cry on, or listen to her stories about the latest man that was chasing after her. I looked forward to going to work to seeing those kids, and having Aubrey aka Aubz there as my voice of reason. We were an unlikely pair, but once the powers of Radke and Aubz were joined, there was no seperating us. My wish for you dear readers, is that you have someone as fabulous as the Divine Ms. Aubz to help your days go smoothly at work, and laugh at how your co-workers make YOU seem normal. :)
I got to thinking about funny things that happened over the course of my 6 years as an Admission Counselor at my alma mater. There were many funny stories, and I would love to tell all of them, but for obvious reasons I can't because A.) people are sensitive and probably not ready for my observations on their stupidity. B.) I would like to always be welcomed back to that campus and not banned because I decided to tell the world (or my 14 followers) about how on occasion they would do things ass backwards. It's funny how when you are no longer a student on that campus, but employed by them that you really see how decisions are made...and one of the BEST decisions our Vice President for Admission ever made was to put Aubrey and I in charge of the student ambassador program.
Now just a refresher on who Aubs (or Aubz, as she prefers, because she thinks it's more urban) is: She is the Visit Coordinator in the campus Admission Office. She set up all visits individually for each student and his or her family that would be planning a trip to campus. If it was just a tour and meeting with an Admission Counselor (like yours truly) she would set that up...or for the anal retentive student that wanted: a tour, lunch on campus, meet with a student in his or her future major, (which was probably pre-med because everyone thinks they're going to be a doctor when they're 18, until the realize they're really not that smart. Easy, don't hate on me because I saw it a million times over the course of my time there: "I can't wait to be a doctor!...Hey, wait...these labs are really hard and this major is based in science??") sit in on a class, meet a coach, and then stay over night with a current student...she would set up all of that. Her multi tasking skills are beyond amazing. Slowly more and more got added to her plate and they were going to add the ambassador program to her growing list of things to do. As a former student ambassador, I remembered how amazing the program was when I was a freshman/sophomore in college, and then what a disaster it turned into when someone new took it over. So in passing to our VP one day I suggested that I could co-direct the ambassador program with Aubrey. He had no problems with that...and that's when that program got a face lift, like none other.
So, you've got me: Loud, politically incorrect, bossy, and a bit of a perfectionist..mixed with Aubs: Hottie with body, no filter, politically incorrect, go with the flow...You can see how this is both a perfect and crazy combination. Or how we ended up playing out the dynamic duo: good cop/bad cop. Aubs was the good cop, and I played the bad cop because I had no problem telling our ambassadors when they screwed up and needed to start acting like decent human beings. The first thing on the agenda was to completely revamp the hiring/training process. We built this from the ground up, interviewing students (which was a shit show in itself, and I'm pretty sure is like no interview that student will never have again.) before the school year was out for returning students, and at freshman orientation for new students. They would walk into the room all serious and nervous about wanting to get a job with the Admission office, and there Aubrey and I would be. Initially it started out semi serious, but by interiew #40, Aubrey was introducing herself as...Herself... and me as "Megan, but she goes by Banana Hammock." So if the students could show they had a sense of humor, and that they had a work ethic..or at least attempted to have a work ethic, we were going to hire them. We needed numbers in the program for tours, over night hosts, and tons of other little events our office would put on. That first fall we had about 70 student ambassadors we were in charge of. The program grew over the years and by the time I left we had about 85 students in the program that we were in charge of. This also meant, these 18-22 year olds were looking to Aubrey and I for advice not only in the program, but would come to us when break ups would happen, fights with roomies would transpire, and overall college gossip that we needed to be in the know about.
Now, looking back on this, I wonder if we were the right people for this job. The 2 of us were, trying to keep the training/program as interactive as possible, and have some kind of control. Because young adults, can smell fear. Let me tell you, that first day of training every August, Aubrey and I were scared shitless. There were many more of them, and only 2 of us, and without fail, trying to get a room of nearly 80, out going students to listen to you, is like trying to silence a mosh pit at a Marilyn Manson concert. So we did what any leader would do, we wrote a rap about the ambassador program, and found ways to make fun of ourselves before the students could do it. This helped for a number of reasons: 1.) Aubrey and I were able to relax a bit with laughter first thing on day 1. 2.) It made the students see that we were approachable. 3.) It started training off with a bang and showed the kids it was going to be fun...and 4.) Show them that these 2 are lunatics, may be older than they were, but still had the mental capacity of 18-22 year olds. By day 3 I was usually tired of trying to silence everyone and they were all wearing on my nerves. Aubrey always totally held it together, but in trying to hold it together my sarcasm/angers evils cousin, was bound to come out. The following are directions I was trying to give while shouting over students on the last day, verbatim, while shadowing tours and trying to learn the tour routes:
Me: "If you're with Sarah's group, go over there, if you're following Sami, meet up here, if you have a gun, bring it to me...Meet back here when you're all done!" If they didn't know what sarcasm was when they entered the program, by God, they were fluent in it by the time they were Seniors.
Aubrey and I loved those damn kids. They made us crazy as hell, but they were the favorite part of both of our jobs. When I got ready to take a new job last year, it was the ambassadors and Aubrey that I dreaded telling that I was leaving. Aubrey because we had been through so much together professionally and personally over the years, and the students because, while I'm not a mother, they are the closest things I will ever have to my own children. When they hurt, we hurt, and when they had success, we felt we were part of that success as well. I like to think that when they look back at their time in college they will remember Aubrey and I, and hopefully just a little part of our craziness, and sincere love for them will be remembered.
The program ran so well, that we actually presented 2 summers in a row at a conference on the program, and now colleges throughout the country are shadowing the program that Aubrey and I created. Presenting at a conference of course meant, she and I were able to leave the office for a few days and cause some trouble in Chicago...Not that we weren't causing trouble together in south eastern Minnesota.
Looking back at those 6 years, I don't think I would have made it some days if Aubrey hadn't been there to tell me to cool down, or be a shoulder to cry on, or listen to her stories about the latest man that was chasing after her. I looked forward to going to work to seeing those kids, and having Aubrey aka Aubz there as my voice of reason. We were an unlikely pair, but once the powers of Radke and Aubz were joined, there was no seperating us. My wish for you dear readers, is that you have someone as fabulous as the Divine Ms. Aubz to help your days go smoothly at work, and laugh at how your co-workers make YOU seem normal. :)
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Consultants: People who know nothing about what you do, but want to tell you how to change it...
Hello faithful followers. I apologize for my lack of blogging lately. I've been lazy...and by lazy I mean, I get sucked into my couch and mindless tv when I get home from work. Please forgive me.
Now, where was I...Ahhh, yes, my first job and the crazies that I worked with. I was minding my own business, loving being a woman of road. My territory I recruited from were some major metro areas, not in the state of Minnesota. I assume they gave me this territory because I was single, young and eager to please the powers that be, and I was very open about, how, as an only child I love my time to myself. Which is why I imagine they had no problem sending me on the road that first fall for 6 weeks. I left in late August and didn't return until October. I took in most of the state of Iowa, getting a chance to see the world's largest cheeto in Algona, Iowa. Clipped down, to Omaha, Kansas City, St. Louis, and then back home again. Along the way getting a chance to meet other admission reps from other schools as we did college fairs together. I would always try to do different things in my off time from attending college fairs, going on high school visits, going to bad high school plays and acting like it was Broadway to woo a student to the school...I would tour different places in the cities I was visiting, like Boys Town (The actual Boys Town in Omaha, not the one in Chicago...) or took in the Budweiser brewery tour when in St. Louis, and of course, plenty of shopping. Many adventures happened while on the road, from car trouble, to being stranded in all kinds of weather, to being offered drugs by a nice homeless man in St. Louis. It was all part of the experience.
When I got back that second year in the fall, a quiet, uneasiness had fallen over the office. In an attempt to bring more students to the school, there was a decision made to bring in a consulting firm to analyze numbers, processes, and the over all admission experience for incoming students. While, I'm sure there are many, many wonderful consultants out there, we were given a man who was still under the impression in was 1986 and he was hip to how the Gen Y generation needed to be recruited. Fact was, he had a questionable hair piece, was as tall as Sasquatch, and did this weird thing where he would constantly clear his throat. That man had more phlegm than I ever thought was humanly possible. I usually heard his mucus before I saw him. It was decided there needed to be a new hierarchy in the office, and he appointed himself our interim director until a new one was found. That's when the trouble began..and I also believe at that exact point is the time I started drinking heavily.
We were all forced to have these awkward one on one sessions with him where he would act like he was listening to you..but then wasn't at all, and just say what he wanted you to do about 7 different ways until you just gave in, and agreed to do it. He was the king of stereotyping. He wanted someone pretty at the front desk as the visit coordinator, that's why he wanted Aubrey as the first person to be seen as families came in...He never directly told me this, but it got back to me that he had implied because I'm pleasantly plump, I'm clearly lazy. (Which as stated above I am...but not when I'm rocking my job, just when I come home and take my bra off, he was such a dick.) This brings me to one of my favorite stories.
It was February, and a major alumni/prospective student event was to be taking place in Chicago. They bussed down half the faculty and staff for this thing, and after the all day event, the admission staff was going to stay over night, and do a retreat the next day before we headed back. So after everyone had left it was decided the staff, consultant, college president, and a few members of the board of trustees were going to go out for a nice meal. So here we are, all exhausted from a day of talking with prospective students and their families, just wanting a glass of wine, and good food. Well some idiot, picked out a fabulous place for us to eat dinner, but got us reservations on the bar side, not in the restaurant...so here we are, 15 of us, scrunched around a long table in the bar section, I'm practically on the lap of the VP for Admission on my right, and on my left, here are my favorite coworkers/members of the circle of trust from the staff. Since we didn't really want to be there with the consultant, or the other people that make us crazy, we did what anyone would do in that situation. We drank. Now here's what I'm working with: the consultant saying off handed comments to me, one of my coworkers proceeds to order the lobster in front of the president of the university, doesn't know how to eat it, and he actually pries it from her hand and cracks it open himself, a cute little priest who can't hear anything, my drunk friends, and the rest of the bat shit crazy staff. When the food finally came out, I looked over at Dave, and he had no space to eat his food, and was actually eating his food like a T-Rex because there is no space at the bar table we were at. I proceeded to spill half of my pasta down the front of my shirt, and I think announce at one point, "It's so hot in here, I wish I had worn my tube top!" Clearly, my VP was glad he had sat in between me and the President. With the painful dinner finally done, we go back to the hotel...and I'm getting ready to take my bra off, and put my jammies on because the next day will be a mind numbing day with the consultant before we drive back to Minnesota. My co workers had other plans for me. I was summoned to another room, where there was a massive jug of Bacardi and a 2 liter of Coke. I sit down for A drink. But little did I know I was getting about 3 parts rum to 1 part Coke..and that night was going to escalate quickly. Next thing I know I was on drink # 4, the annoying co workers had come to hang with the circle of trust, and I was being fed cheetos by the staff member I couldn't tolerate for the life of me..but that night, she was my best friend. Pretty soon, I found Dave's shaving cream in the bathroom, made a mess, and about 20 minutes after that Dave had thrown up on himself and the party was over.
We got about 4 hours of sleep that night, and woke up, feeling surprisingly alert for the 'staff retreat'. Walked down the hall to the suite where we were to meet at, and there was phlegmy sasquatch waiting for us. He then proceeded to hand us the stupidest personality test I have ever done. Now, it could be because my head was a little hazy from the night before, but the questions were worded so poorly, I actually just copied Mary's answers because I couldn't comprehend what they were asking..and when I asked for clarification the consultant would just tell me to circle a letter, because, "That's just what you are Megan.." What a douche. Like he knew me and what I would answer...We were about 2 hours into him analyzing our personalities and telling us that he had us all pegged, and that we have too much of whatever personality in our office...when it hit the 3 of us at once...we weren't alert at all that morning...we were still drunk. When we finally broke for lunch the hangover had set in. Mary and Dave passed out on the couches in the suite, I tried to get something to eat, but think I may have thrown it back up...and then the blizzard started... We wrapped up early, got in our cars to drive back to Minnesota in a blizzard....and it was the most miserable ride of my life. Not only did Sasquatch think he knew me, but I couldn't stop thinking about all the rum that was consumed the night before, giving me a raging headache...not to mention the crappy weather that turned a 5 hour drive into 8.
It was at that point that I realized, the only way we were going to deal with the consultant was if we all stuck together...I believe it was around that time that I knew the importance of my co workers for my sanity. It was the start of a beautiful, liquor consuming, relationship.
Now, where was I...Ahhh, yes, my first job and the crazies that I worked with. I was minding my own business, loving being a woman of road. My territory I recruited from were some major metro areas, not in the state of Minnesota. I assume they gave me this territory because I was single, young and eager to please the powers that be, and I was very open about, how, as an only child I love my time to myself. Which is why I imagine they had no problem sending me on the road that first fall for 6 weeks. I left in late August and didn't return until October. I took in most of the state of Iowa, getting a chance to see the world's largest cheeto in Algona, Iowa. Clipped down, to Omaha, Kansas City, St. Louis, and then back home again. Along the way getting a chance to meet other admission reps from other schools as we did college fairs together. I would always try to do different things in my off time from attending college fairs, going on high school visits, going to bad high school plays and acting like it was Broadway to woo a student to the school...I would tour different places in the cities I was visiting, like Boys Town (The actual Boys Town in Omaha, not the one in Chicago...) or took in the Budweiser brewery tour when in St. Louis, and of course, plenty of shopping. Many adventures happened while on the road, from car trouble, to being stranded in all kinds of weather, to being offered drugs by a nice homeless man in St. Louis. It was all part of the experience.
When I got back that second year in the fall, a quiet, uneasiness had fallen over the office. In an attempt to bring more students to the school, there was a decision made to bring in a consulting firm to analyze numbers, processes, and the over all admission experience for incoming students. While, I'm sure there are many, many wonderful consultants out there, we were given a man who was still under the impression in was 1986 and he was hip to how the Gen Y generation needed to be recruited. Fact was, he had a questionable hair piece, was as tall as Sasquatch, and did this weird thing where he would constantly clear his throat. That man had more phlegm than I ever thought was humanly possible. I usually heard his mucus before I saw him. It was decided there needed to be a new hierarchy in the office, and he appointed himself our interim director until a new one was found. That's when the trouble began..and I also believe at that exact point is the time I started drinking heavily.
We were all forced to have these awkward one on one sessions with him where he would act like he was listening to you..but then wasn't at all, and just say what he wanted you to do about 7 different ways until you just gave in, and agreed to do it. He was the king of stereotyping. He wanted someone pretty at the front desk as the visit coordinator, that's why he wanted Aubrey as the first person to be seen as families came in...He never directly told me this, but it got back to me that he had implied because I'm pleasantly plump, I'm clearly lazy. (Which as stated above I am...but not when I'm rocking my job, just when I come home and take my bra off, he was such a dick.) This brings me to one of my favorite stories.
It was February, and a major alumni/prospective student event was to be taking place in Chicago. They bussed down half the faculty and staff for this thing, and after the all day event, the admission staff was going to stay over night, and do a retreat the next day before we headed back. So after everyone had left it was decided the staff, consultant, college president, and a few members of the board of trustees were going to go out for a nice meal. So here we are, all exhausted from a day of talking with prospective students and their families, just wanting a glass of wine, and good food. Well some idiot, picked out a fabulous place for us to eat dinner, but got us reservations on the bar side, not in the restaurant...so here we are, 15 of us, scrunched around a long table in the bar section, I'm practically on the lap of the VP for Admission on my right, and on my left, here are my favorite coworkers/members of the circle of trust from the staff. Since we didn't really want to be there with the consultant, or the other people that make us crazy, we did what anyone would do in that situation. We drank. Now here's what I'm working with: the consultant saying off handed comments to me, one of my coworkers proceeds to order the lobster in front of the president of the university, doesn't know how to eat it, and he actually pries it from her hand and cracks it open himself, a cute little priest who can't hear anything, my drunk friends, and the rest of the bat shit crazy staff. When the food finally came out, I looked over at Dave, and he had no space to eat his food, and was actually eating his food like a T-Rex because there is no space at the bar table we were at. I proceeded to spill half of my pasta down the front of my shirt, and I think announce at one point, "It's so hot in here, I wish I had worn my tube top!" Clearly, my VP was glad he had sat in between me and the President. With the painful dinner finally done, we go back to the hotel...and I'm getting ready to take my bra off, and put my jammies on because the next day will be a mind numbing day with the consultant before we drive back to Minnesota. My co workers had other plans for me. I was summoned to another room, where there was a massive jug of Bacardi and a 2 liter of Coke. I sit down for A drink. But little did I know I was getting about 3 parts rum to 1 part Coke..and that night was going to escalate quickly. Next thing I know I was on drink # 4, the annoying co workers had come to hang with the circle of trust, and I was being fed cheetos by the staff member I couldn't tolerate for the life of me..but that night, she was my best friend. Pretty soon, I found Dave's shaving cream in the bathroom, made a mess, and about 20 minutes after that Dave had thrown up on himself and the party was over.
We got about 4 hours of sleep that night, and woke up, feeling surprisingly alert for the 'staff retreat'. Walked down the hall to the suite where we were to meet at, and there was phlegmy sasquatch waiting for us. He then proceeded to hand us the stupidest personality test I have ever done. Now, it could be because my head was a little hazy from the night before, but the questions were worded so poorly, I actually just copied Mary's answers because I couldn't comprehend what they were asking..and when I asked for clarification the consultant would just tell me to circle a letter, because, "That's just what you are Megan.." What a douche. Like he knew me and what I would answer...We were about 2 hours into him analyzing our personalities and telling us that he had us all pegged, and that we have too much of whatever personality in our office...when it hit the 3 of us at once...we weren't alert at all that morning...we were still drunk. When we finally broke for lunch the hangover had set in. Mary and Dave passed out on the couches in the suite, I tried to get something to eat, but think I may have thrown it back up...and then the blizzard started... We wrapped up early, got in our cars to drive back to Minnesota in a blizzard....and it was the most miserable ride of my life. Not only did Sasquatch think he knew me, but I couldn't stop thinking about all the rum that was consumed the night before, giving me a raging headache...not to mention the crappy weather that turned a 5 hour drive into 8.
It was at that point that I realized, the only way we were going to deal with the consultant was if we all stuck together...I believe it was around that time that I knew the importance of my co workers for my sanity. It was the start of a beautiful, liquor consuming, relationship.
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