I have been spoiled my entire life, and I am well aware of this fact. Not just spoiled because I'm an only child, and I rarely wanted for anything... Spoiled because I am so very fortunate, that through all of my formative years, I had two parents. Two parents that lived at home, with me, never divorced, never separated (Even after the time dad bought a boat without talking to mom first) always together in a family unit. As my regular readers know, and friends are well aware, I had the most amazing childhood/adolescent years. I was very aware my parents weren't perfect. I was aware there were disagreements and tense moments, that lead to tense days on occasion. But I learned, through them what marriage is. I saw, that through both of my parents faults, you can still love one person and stand by them through all of their questionable decisions. Perhaps my mom's death was most upsetting to my father because he had stood by my mom through situations that were difficult, and she still chose to take her own life, instead of telling him about what was happening, and what she was going through. I remember my mom saying to me one time that she didn't know why dad stayed with her all those years because she was so imperfect. I told her, that's probably the reason he did stay. Perfect is boring, it's the imperfections that make life an adventure.
It was three years in July that my mom has been gone now. Three years sometimes feels like only a few weeks, other times it feels like 30 years. I sometimes struggle to remember what her voice sounded like, what her laugh sounded like... and I dream of her all the time. In the dreams though she is never as she was here on earth. She is unhappy sometimes, or sad, or I am trying to prove myself to her in some way. It's not unusual to wake up at least twice a week with tear stained cheeks in the morning as I didn't want the dream to end and I wanted to see her longer, even if she wasn't her earthly, boisterous self in the dream.
I didn't expect my dad to be a loner for the rest of his life when my mom died. But I certainly, didn't know if I could ever be ready for him to get remarried, let alone, have him remarry in a matter of 90 days of meeting someone. In my mind if he was to get remarried some day, I would have time adjust to this idea and learn about the woman. I was given none of that. While it was not my choice to have him move this quickly, it certainly is my choice to ask for time to adjust, and voice my concerns. To say the last three months have been hard, would be a MAJOR understatement.
After my mom passed, I sought a grief counselor for support. It's America right?! That's what we do, we talk to therapists! I have seen one on and off, generally around the holidays, and the anniversary of her death as that is when I am flooded with the most thoughts of her. When late September hit and dad said he was dating a lady, I didn't think much of it. Two weeks later they were proclaiming their love on facebook, I made an emergency session with my therapist. He has read my blog and said that he is quite sure this is where my mental clarity comes from, it is because of this writing (and really all writing I've done in the past, I've always been a journal keeper) I gain closure, vent, and it is in my writing, where I am most honest and don't hide behind my sense of humor like I can so easily do in daily conversations. I write this post for myself and needing this for me... Not out of lack of respect for my father or his new wife. This is how I see the situation, and in writing not only do I seek clarity, I seek hope that someday I will be able to be able to be around my father and bride without a bottle of wine on board.
The week after dad told me he was seeing someone he asked me to meet her. I said no. While I understood she made dad happy, she was nothing that I needed. This started a few disagreements between dad and I. Usually me in tears because he wasn't hearing that I just needed time. I understood he needed her, couldn't I take time to chew on this?? One conversation in particular ended up with him hanging up on me when I shouted at him I would rather just meet this woman than be anywhere near him because at least she seems to understand I need time to wrap my head around this whirlwind romance. What was most sad to me, is that the man, who just a few years prior had gone through the very same situation of losing mom, the only one on the face of the earth that could understand that kind of loss, was now saying, I don't understand you, I don't think your feelings are justified. This has cut to the very core of me, and I can barely type that sentence without tears welling up in my eyes. As the weeks leading up to the wedding got closer, the farther away I grew from dad. I said very little when we did talk on the phone because I didn't want it to end in a fight. What was also hurtful at this time, were the people contacting me in my fathers life that had concerns about how quickly this romance was moving. They were concerned.. YET, magically somehow, thanks to social media, they were congratulating him and liking all of his soon to be marital bliss status updates. But I get to look like the crazy person when I question him about the speed of this. Or perhaps it was the Christmas letter I received from an aunt who instead of saying: I'm happy for your dad, but I can see this is hard on you, how are you doing? She said: Your uncle and I support this marriage of your father's and you should support him, life is too short... and she proceeded to berate me and my attitude about the upcoming nuptials. Life is short huh? I guess she thought I didn't realize that when three summers ago I was eating an ear of sweet corn at dinner, all is right with the world, 30 seconds later, a phone call telling me my mother is dead. Life is short. No. Fucking. Shit.
The combination of the above mentioned, dad leaving the city and home that I had grown up in to move in with his new wife, thoughts of what the future meant for me and where I stand in this new family unit... well, all of that was irritating me to new levels. I have no siblings, my mother is dead, and now my dad is remarried. The one person in my family I have left in the world, and now he has someone to fill the void of mom. My mother is gone and now my dad is as well. This is how it felt.
Then the anger came, this is also what my counselor and other therapists refer to as, "The break through." After mom died, I had to pull myself up, get back to work, worry about getting dad adjusted. For God's sake the man hadn't run a vaccuum in nearly 40 years, he was on a ton of meds and mom laid them out for him every day, I was constantly worried about him. Then about 8 months after mom died, dad started taking extended breaks from work where he was 'sick'. All of a sudden I get texts and emails from his co workers or their wives saying dad has not been at work for two weeks. I was spending 2-3 weekends a month at his house for nearly 3 years because I was so worried... or there's the morning I get a phone call from dad saying, I know it's not bad and I'm not going to do anything... but I can't get out of the house. I can't go to work, I think I am going to check myself into the stress unit... I had to take care of myself, my job, worry about him, wonder if he was going to work, wonder if he was going to get fired, wonder what would happen if he would get fired, wonder if he was going to some day end it like mom did...and one person in a matter of a few weeks can come in and fix everything??! FUCK THAT.
It was at that very moment I understood why I was so angry at my dad. Yes I was sad that he was remarrying, and that the marriage that created me, was now officially, null and void, but I was angry because the last part of my 20's and early 30's I was focused on him and not me. SELFISH? Absolutely. But this is where the emotions were stemming from.
They got married on December 28. I didn't want to be there, nor did I want to stand up for my father in a wedding I am not sure I believed (believe) in. The only thing that even got me there was the thought of my mom. I remember a man from Hollandale getting remarried after an ugly divorce, and I remember my mom saying that at the wedding, his kids weren't there. The wedding was about to start and he kept looking to the back of the church, straining his neck to see if his kids were coming. They never showed. She said it hurt him deeply, and I remember her saying that some day his kids would realize that whether they agree or not in their father's choices, he is their only father, and they would regret not being there. I hope some day I will be glad I was there.
Do I realize how this is a positive? Sure, I can see in ways it is. It's good because if someone he has known for a few months can give him that kind of happiness that he needs to get up in the morning that's great. I can now focus on myself and my life and not living in this cloud of constant worry about him. I most certainly can see the good. I just wish I could have had time to wrap my arms around this entirely weird situation. But it's not my life, or business, and I need to just do me, for the first time in three years, I get to focus on me... and it feels... lonely at times because I really feel like I am alone, for the first time, like in a way I was dealt a death of another parent... But I was also reminded of what wonderful friends I have. Friends that didn't once say: Yay for your dad he can be happy!! They said: It's good if this gets him thinking positively again, but holy shit, this is fucked up that you have to deal with this.
That's life though right? Messed up situations that people don't necessarily want to deal with, but are forced to. It's how you choose to deal with the bullshit life hands you that determines who you become. I realize I have a long way to go before I can ever fully accept dad's new marriage. I know that I am still in ways dealing with the loss of my mother. But for the time being both dad and his wife understand I am taking time to understand it.. and some day, maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even a year from now.. but some day I will understand why a 90 day marriage was right for them. After all, people don't understand why I have the same tattoo that Johnny Depp has, but it doesn't matter, they dont' have to. It makes sense to me.
Until next time - Bitches.
